aving successful established my internet empire, I decided to acquaint ye webtravellers with my personage by writing about a typical day in my life as an Emperor. Therefore, I picked a random date, July 6, 2001, and had one of my servants follow me around and log all my doings. The next day I went over the list and added my thoughts and ponderings. Here is the finished product:
One of my servants awakes me and reminds me that today is the day I am logging for the internet journal. I sit up in my emperor-size (that's bigger than a king-size) bed with silk sheets and canopy. The servants prop the belows up behind me so that I might not strain as I eat my breakfast. Chef Von a Patite outdid himself once again with perfectly cooked and seasoned eggs, waffles, bacon, biscuits, and so on and so forth. Since the wild ones outside were not cooperating on this particular morning, I had some trained birds brought in to serenade me while I consumed my breakfast.
I am dressed and conducting affairs of state by 8:45 am. First a top-secret strategy session with some members of GUARD. A deal is reached, but I am unable to defer such confidential information to the public. Then I have another strategy session with the generals of my Imperial Army.
Then I convened court proceedings until 10. Many nobles, peasants, and merchants squabble over some petty things, which I sort out both wisely and justly, not to mention quickly. That done I move on to dedicate several new important buildings and facilities, present some research grants, spend a little time in one of those labs explaining my thesis for a cure for cancer, kiss some babies, wave my hands in a parade, and get interviewed for a national television show about properly run governments.
Since it is now 11:45 it is time to return to the palace to hold a dinner for many prestigious royals from around the world. Among those attending are the British royal family, President George W. Bush and family, some key French politicians, some German politicians, a UN diplomat, Vladimir Putin, some Romanians, and a dozen or so hopeful princesses. I say "hopeful" because they are all trying to win my heart. It's quite funny, really, to watch them carry on so. I make a few deals with the heads of state; I reject, however, the Kyoto treaty, much to several diplomats'--especially those Romanians'--ire. I explain the proper working of the free enterprise system to some more ignorant nobility.
From 12:30 to 1 I lead the Imperial Army in a war game simulating an invasion by another kingdom or empire. The simulation is a success.
At one o'clock I meet an especially good-looking princess for a movie. We watch Pearl Harbor in my theatre I have at the palace. At least, I did for the first 30 minutes. Having knocked over the bucket, I offered to go get some more popcorn while she enjoyed the movie (I having already seen it beforehand). Go out into the hallroom, my servants inform me that the fresh-movie-popcorn had failed to be delivered and our supply had run out. Having called the supplier without any response, I am quite upset and announce that I will go to the depot myself and see what is going on. The servants protest but I am too angry and refuse to allow someone else.
Upon arriving to the supplier's with a minimal train, I notice the place is unusually quiet. I enter the darkened doorway and the first thing I notice is the old geezer who runs the place is bound and gagged behind the counter. Immediately outside I hear the shots of an ambush. I feel a thud on the back of my head and black out.
Awaking momentarily to myself being dragged, bound, across the floor, I sigh at this new attempt on my life. Why must evil spring up while I should be eating popcorn with that princess? Nevertheless, I must deal with the situation at hand. I am whisked away to an abandoned warehouse. There could not be more than a couple dozen villians in this room. I notice the servant who is supposed to be recording my day huddled in a corner. Having picked up a shard of glass when they tossed me to the ground, I covertly cut myself out of the ropes while they leer at me. I also remembered to switch the button--the placement of which I cannot tell you for security reasons--that sends out a homing signal to my Secret Service Agents. Realizing that they will be here within moments, but also wanting to return to my date all the sooner, I rack the guy who seems to be the leader of the outfit. While he is bending over, puking on the floor, a couple of henchmen grab me but are surprised when I, unbound, knock their heads together. After that it was quite a fight but I was able to subdue the 26 of them using my fighting skills and a pogo stick. I was in the midst of combatting the 9 of them left standing when my Secret Service Agents arrived and cleaned up the rest while I returned to the palace at 2:13 with some fresh popcorn. Fortunately the princess was not too upset.
The movie is over at 4:03 and the princess has left by 4:05. I return to that lab to see how those scientists are doing. They excitedly tell me how my thesis has worked, as I knew it would. I go on live television and announce to my Empire that I have found the cure for cancer. Much ado and glorification and parades again.
Finally, around 5:45 I am able to head back to the palace for supper. On the way there I notice a baby carriage careening down a steep incline with a woman running after it yelling, "My baby! My baby!" Knowing there's not a moment to lose, I jump out of the car (much to my servants' shock, you should have seen the look on their faces!), rolling to lessen the impact, and hop up running after the carriage which is rushing toward a busy intersection. As I reach it without a second to spare, I realize that I am going too fast to stop myself in time, and so I make a split-second decision. I jump into the intersection, throwing the carriage backwards beneath me. The baby is safe, but I spend the next couple of seconds dodging that semi and a few other cars. Then I return to my train while my advisers berate me again on not taking such risks. I hate it when they do that.
It's now 6:15 and I am hosting another dinner for important officials from around the world. Actually, one of the officials isn't in that category, but I mustn't go into that. The dinner was delicious once again, thanks to my chef. What an excellent cook he is!
From there it's on to a press conference about some new policies, signing a few bills into law, vetoing some other bills, and some other affairs of state.
At 7:38 I decide to take some leisure time in my busy day. I read a few books by some masters, including War and Peace, The Deerslayer, Don Quixote, A New Threat, and a few books on quantum physics.
By now it is 9:45 and it's dark enough to look through my telescope again. Such a beautiful night sky. I happen to locate a new star, which I name for that princess, and I also stare intently at the galaxy...that interests me.
At 10 I have the chef whip up his lip-smacking cocoa and sit in front of the fire for a little while reading the Bible before deciding to turn in for the evening. I change into my silk pajamas and get in bed. I have the servant come over and read to me the list of things I did that day. I promote him for doing such a good job. I also tell him some things to put on the agenda for the next day.
Then I sleep happily
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